Time: 2009-3-2713:48:06 Words: 4396
Time passed day by day in a daze. As time passed, age grew unknowingly. The good times were always lost so easily. Soon, from the carefree childhood to the season of youth troubles, the childhood Zhiyuan was eager to grow up quickly. He looked forward to the future of growing up in his yearning for knowledge. He did not know that he had to face the troubles and confusion of growing up. He had always imagined that the future was a fairytale-like colorful world. The sudden arrival of the middle school examination made Zhiyuan see that his childhood was far away. Zhiyuan and Yanmei applied for the same middle school. This was their agreement, a unanimous decision. It was a tacit understanding formed from helping each other in childhood and primary school. In Yan Mei's eyes, Zhiyuan was her good friend. She had always treated Zhiyuan as a younger brother because Yan Mei did not have any siblings. In the good times she spent with Zhiyuan, Zhiyuan made up for the lack of family warmth.
At that time, Yan Mei was successfully admitted to the middle school in the county town that they had agreed on. The people whose ancestors lived on the yellow land looked at the distant place. The place outside their eyes was a prosperous city beyond their imagination. In reality, they placed more and more practical hopes on everything in the county town. Therefore, the sky of the city was always given more yearning. Zhiyuan had failed to make it onto the list. He stood helplessly in front of the announcement board and looked at Zheng Yanmei's name in a daze. He silently wished Yanmei well in his heart. He had no strength to look for his own name anymore. He and Yanmei had already looked at it carefully several times. Looking at the depressed Zhiyuan, Yan Mei did not have the joy of her own passing the exam. They had always shared each other's sadness and laughter, which was why they had an agreement to compete for fate. The reality in front of her was that one person's wish had come true, and her long-term strong support and courage were about to be lost with Zhiyuan's fall.
No, she couldn't abandon her former companions and grow up selfishly. As for Zhiyuan, the kind-hearted Yan Mei could also understand Zhiyuan's feelings at this moment. She was also sad for Zhiyuan's failure. Yanmei had fulfilled her parents 'long-awaited wish. She should be excited and share this joy with Zhiyuan. Unlike the other students, she didn't get excited and jump around to celebrate the start of her life again. Her joy was mostly washed away by Zhiyuan's disappointment. Zhiyuan also came with his parents 'expectations. The expectations placed on him were a hundred times heavier than Yanmei's because he was the last hope of the family.
Perhaps it was because the impact of reality was too great, or he thought that this would widen the distance between him and Yan Mei. Reality was helpless, and he calmly accepted everything in front of him. Perhaps Zhiyuan wasn't sad because he didn't get into the exam, he didn't like the strict discipline of the school, or maybe he wanted to live an unfettered life. Zhiyuan, who matured too early, was fighting more to change the poverty of his family. Perhaps he had agreed to take the middle school examination with Zhiyuan because he wanted to be with Yanmei. All his restless thoughts made it impossible for him to calmly devote himself to his studies. His failure to live up to expectations disappointed his family and Yanmei. Yanmei had been deeply anxious about Zhiyuan's negativity. The promise she had made with Zhiyuan still echoed in her ears. Zhiyuan's father had no choice but to spend money to get him into a high-priced student. Zhiyuan knew that his father had to beg many families to raise enough money for his tuition fees. His brother's school had already spent all of his family's meager income. This time, Zhiyuan saw another turn of fate in despair.
In fact, Zhiyuan's tuition fees were sent to Zhiyuan's house by Yanmei's father. Yanmei couldn't bear to see Zhiyuan drop out of school. Yanmei's father wouldn't reject Yanmei's request because she was the only daughter they loved. They were also very concerned about Zhiyuan's failure. Zhiyuan's father didn't tell him the origin of the tuition fees. He wanted Zhiyuan to know how hard his parents worked and how much they cherished the opportunity to study. However, in the end, Zhiyuan disappointed everyone.
Zhiyuan recalled all the hardships he had gone through when he dropped out of school. He recalled his selfish thoughts at all costs, his irrational vanity, and his uncontrollable desire that made him make an irreparable decision at the junction of his youth. The erratic footprints, the floating mood, the heart of seeking knowledge, he asked for a tolerant corner to stop his wandering self. His young heart became scarred in the years of tempering, and his will was frustrated in the ups and downs. He would always think of his unhappy experiences in troubled nights and encourage himself to grow up one day. He would use his gradually stronger body to support his own sky and pursue his own life and love. When he woke up from the dream, Zhiyuan felt that it was unrealistic. All the desires could only be experienced in dreams. Dreams were sweet, but after waking up from the dream, it was bitter. Everything was empty in front of him. The only feeling was the wet coolness beside his pillow. It was the dream of longing for the future and pouring out of it, the joy of being touched and revealed.
Zhiyuan had neglected that his father had asked someone to pay a high price for him to be a transfer student. Even this hard-won opportunity was not cherished by Zhiyuan. Perhaps at that time, he did not know the meaning of cherishing it, nor did he know how important it was to study hard for the future. It was not that Zhiyuan was not smart, but perhaps he thought he was too smart. He thought that a bright future might not be obtained by studying hard. He imagined the vastness of reality as a space overlooking him. Perhaps youth was a season of love to dream. The young heart would slowly walk into reality and accept helplessness in the realm of fantasy, and then continue to work hard under the conditions of a deeper understanding and closer to reality. The age of fourteen or fifteen was a season of love to dream, but it was also an age where it was easy to make mistakes. The mistakes made during this time were not blamed too much, but they were often deliberately repeated by fate in revenge. It was unknown whether it was a kind reminder or a warning punishment. In the end, the one who forgave himself would not be others, but himself. He had some self-comfort in his repentance. He could only make up for the mistakes he had made and ask for God's forgiveness. The rare self-reflection would not appear in Zhiyuan's mind. The footsteps of youth still moved forward recklessly.
Zhiyuan's childhood was carefree. He often played by the river in spring and the fields with bumper harvests. He remembered that when he was more than eight years old, he still cried and refused to go to the kindergarten. Perhaps he was still worried about the few old horses in the production team. Perhaps the child's heart was still stuck in climbing up and down the carriages. Perhaps he was still too nostalgic for the fun of playing.
When he was in the first grade of elementary school, Zhiyuan received an army green canvas bag from his father. The bag was slightly yellow, and there were five bright red words printed on the bag: " Serve the People ". That was what his father told him to read. His father also told Zhiyuan that it was the inscription of our great leader Mao. At that time, the school was still very simple. The adobe walls were still leaking. The school desks were also built with adobe and blue bricks. The stools were brought from home. Zhiyuan, who was leaning on the " desk " to study, was often covered in yellow soil.
When Zhiyuan was in junior high school in the county town, his friendship with Yanmei was still the same as before. Every weekend, they would go home together from the county town and return to school together. With Zhiyuan's company, Yanmei's parents naturally had less worry. Every weekend, Yanmei's parents would cook a good meal as usual and try their best to persuade Zhiyuan to eat at home. In Zhiyuan's heart, Uncle and Aunt were people he should respect. Yanmei's family was the only surname in the village. Yanmei's grandparents used to beg in Liu Village. Most of the villagers had the surname Liu. Only Yanmei's family had the surname Zheng. Because they were from another family, Yanmei's family had always been honest and did things. Their lives were peaceful and peaceful. As Yanmei was the only daughter in the family, she was looked down upon by the villagers because there were no boys. Her mother had to take care of her elderly parents-in-law, and her father did not want a second child because he was not at home for a long time. Yanmei's parents liked Zhiyuan from the bottom of their hearts and treated him like their own child. When Zhiyuan and Yanmei sat together and ate the food that they had prepared meticulously, Yanmei did not notice the gratified smiles on her parents 'faces. It was a smile full of warmth. Perhaps they were very gratified by Zhiyuan's arrival. Zhiyuan's arrival filled the lack of satisfaction in this family because there was no boy. The sense of satisfaction gradually became an eternal hope in her heart. The beautiful mother looked at the two children who were gradually growing up in front of her and was happy in her heart.
As they grew older, Zhiyuan's passion for Yanmei had formed an invisible net between them that was difficult to cross. It was a barrier of friendship and kindness. It inadvertently came between the two of them and quietly changed, changing the calmness between them in the past. Now, when the two of them were alone, they had nothing to say. Zhiyuan felt his heart beating faster and faster. Seeing Yanmei's intentionally or unintentionally evasive gaze, he said, There was an elusive restraint between the two of them compared to their childhood. In the eyes of his classmates in junior high school, they were considered a couple. Zhiyuan felt his face turn red and his heart inexplicably restless. He looked at Yanmei, who was focused on her studies, and suddenly felt that his thoughts were unfair to the pure and innocent Yanmei. Was it a kind of unspeakable harm to Yanmei? Indeed, Yanmei was much more graceful now than when she was young. Many boys in the class secretly asked Zhiyuan if he liked Yanmei. This was a thought that Zhiyuan did not dare to think about. Zhiyuan suddenly heard the sound of heartbeats, like countless small deer dancing. His heart suddenly stopped beating, and his body temperature slowly dropped. The beauty in Zhiyuan's eyes turned into a beautiful angel, slowly walking towards him. Zhiyuan desperately fled to a faraway corner. From then on, Zhiyuan began to deliberately avoid Yanmei's concern.
Yan Mei didn't care about the comments of others. She was still concerned about whether Zhiyuan could concentrate on his studies. Every day, she would wait for Zhiyuan at the entrance of the cafeteria to eat with her. In order to avoid Yan Mei, Zhiyuan would dawdle until the end of the day to eat. In fact, Yan Mei was a warm-hearted and kind girl. She knew that Zhiyuan did not have much living expenses every week. Zhiyuan always ate cheap and light food in the cafeteria, so she waited until the end of the day to eat with Zhiyuan. Yan Mei took the initiative to help Zhiyuan get food so that she could get him a meat dish. Zhiyuan knew that his family background could not be compared to Yanmei's. At this time, facing Yanmei's enthusiasm, Zhiyuan felt inferior. He did not deserve to be with Yanmei now, but Yanmei's help to Zhiyuan was warm and selfless. Zhiyuan felt that this kind of concern was more like invisible torture to him. His self-esteem was pushed aside and he had to bear the unbearable dignity. It was not the pressure from others, but he could not bear the calm that he forced himself to pretend.
Yan Mei wanted to encourage Zhiyuan through her concern, as if she was telling him,'When you are lonely, I will be there for you. My passion is to make you feel that you are not lonely. I will always be by your side and will not be lonely. My concern is not far away, it is right in front of you.' Yan Mei's enthusiasm for Zhiyuan became a burden in Zhiyuan's heart. Zhiyuan felt that he was not qualified to put Yan Mei in his dreams. Yan Mei's enthusiasm was like Zhiyuan's driving force, but also an invisible shackle that bound Zhiyuan. It was heavy and cold, and it seemed to follow Zhiyuan's mood that was close to freezing point. As he grew older, Yan Mei's concern made Zhiyuan feel that the distance between them was growing. Sometimes, when faced with Yan Mei's enthusiasm, Zhiyuan felt like a princess giving alms to a beggar, or a conversation between a king and a farmer. As he grew older, Zhiyuan felt that the distance between him and Yanmei was gradually widening. He used his wrong and extreme understanding to regard Yanmei's enthusiasm as charity to himself. He hoped to leave, but he also longed to stay. His reluctant youth enthusiasm was annihilated on the road of life. Zhiyuan didn't want his vanity to be satisfied by the charity of others. Although Yan Mei never treated him as an outsider, Yan Mei's help to him was ridiculed by all the students. They didn't understand why Yan Mei would do that. Zhiyuan didn't want others to ridicule him and let her bear the dark side of her life. Zhiyuan couldn't convince himself, so he had to leave the environment that he couldn't face calmly. He was afraid that his obscene image would tarnish his beautiful and pure youth, so he couldn't bear to waste her pure passion.
From then on, Zhiyuan began to escape from Yan Mei and did not dare to face his true self. Sometimes, Zhiyuan felt that he was too incompetent. He should go out and make a living. Since the limited conditions at home could not meet his growing needs for material conditions, why could he not use his own hands to change poverty and backwardness? After being suppressed for several lifetimes, he had a reason to continue to yield and wait. Believing in fate was perhaps the only reason and excuse for the elders to comfort themselves. Luck was more important than anything else. They had waited for too long. Perhaps the experience of realizing their dreams was not enough. He repeated the same reason and could no longer let himself wait. Zhiyuan decided to take the initiative to find the dream that his ancestors had pursued for a hundred years.
Zhiyuan left his own campus and his own youth without reason. He lost himself and did not want to look back at the scenery of the past. Zhiyuan often thought of Yanmei, her kindness, the deep friendship he had built over the years, and his special feelings for Yanmei. It was like standing on the low earthen wall at home and looking in the direction of the city. His heart wandered in the night sky illuminated by the lights. Appreciating it was also a different kind of torture. Everything that was full of temptation surrounded Zhiyuan's uncontrollable desire. His heart was tempted to be high and far away, but it was so fragile that it could not withstand a single blow. His shattered dreams floated in a distant and unfamiliar world.
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