Something disharmonious.
Something hated.
That was intolerable.
Accept these and all other things and never know pain.
Harmony.
What he had hoped for.
It was allowed.
Rejecting these and all other things, he knew nothing but pain.
One confirmed, one denied.
There was a hole between his two hearts.
There was an emptiness between the two hearts.
I live between two souls.
Sanctum I
"Hey, have you heard of the patient in the private ward on the third floor?”
"Oh, who doesn't have one now? The word had been spreading since yesterday, and even the expressionless neurosurgeon, Dr. Ashika, expressed at least some surprise at the girl's sudden recovery. I can't believe it myself."
"No, no, I mean the story after that. What do you think the patient did after he woke up? Promise me you won't go crazy or do anything, all right, but she tried to crush her own eyes!”
"Come on, that's not true!"
"Yes, I am! Dr. Ashika is trying his best to keep it a secret, but I heard the story from one of his interns, so it has to be true. Apparently, in the three seconds that Dr. Ashika was not looking, she pressed her palm against her eyes. What a terrifying performance."
"But that girl has been in a coma for two years. She really can't move, right?”
"Yes, but we basically exercise her limbs every day to prevent disuse atrophy. Her family even paid a large sum of cash to the hospital to ensure that we could do this. Even so, this obviously could not completely stop it, and her body was still unable to move. This might be the reason why her attempt to destroy her eyes failed.”
" However, it's rare for a person to rest in bed for two years and even move, let alone poke out his own eyes.”
"That's why Dr. Ashika was surprised. Wait a minute; what do you call it when the blood vessels in the eye bleed?”
"Subaxial hemorrhage, is it? Don't tell me that girl also has this disease?”
"You know that. It should have been able to heal on its own, but due to the severe eye trauma, she was temporarily blind. The intern told me that the patient just wanted to bandage his eyes, so that's what they did.”
"What a pity. Even though she was awake now, she still couldn't see anything. This makes my heart a little tense."
"Yes, isn't it? There was also the problem of her aphasia. She still didn't seem to be able to speak, poor thing. We haven't had a healer treat her since Dr. Alaya left last month. But I heard that Dr. Ashika is looking for someone he knows. Until she regains some mental ability, we will have her strictly adhere to the policies of 'novi' siters. Even her parents only had a little time with her.”
"I understand. This is too bad for our little boy.”
"What is it? Which little boy?"
"Oh, you don't know! There was a child, right? Well, I don't think we can call him a child anymore, with his age and everything. He was the first to bring the girl here, and he comes to see me every Saturday. I really support him seeing her again.”
"Oh, you mean that child. The one that everyone gave him a nickname. I never thought he would come again. Don't you think it's hard to find that kind of sincerity these days?”
"Yes, he's been the only one to visit her in the last two years. He even beat up her parents. Even I'm inclined to believe that the girl's miraculous recovery was partly because of him.”
"I never thought you'd be so sentimental.”
"It's okay. I don't have it either."
/1
There was only darkness in the distance and below. This empty, lifeless place could only mean one thing: I'm dead.
I, Shiki Ryōgi, don't even have clothes to wear. I float and then slowly sink into the bottomless and lightless sea. There was no end in sight. There was nothing to see, no light, yes, perhaps even darkness. This place was just an empty hole, and all meaning had disappeared. An abyss of stubbornness that cannot be expressed in words, without words it will be preserved: It was simply called the password.
I sank deep into the grave. My naked body slowly turned pale, which made me want to look away. In my mind, I knew that everything in this place was the same.
"Is this death?" I whispered. Though it came out faintly, I doubted whether it was real.
Although time is meaningless in it, I observed it. Like a stream that reaches back to the infinite, like the process of decay, I mark it. This was an eternity. The deeper I sank, the farther I looked. In eternity, this place was still empty. There was nothing but me. However, everything was so calm and peaceful. In this meaningless place, I feel as if my existence is completely in line with myself. This was the end of all things, a place that the living might never be able to observe, but only the dead could enter.
I'm dead. But I'm still alive. I felt my thoughts about to go out of control. Two years. In an instant, it extended to eternity. Both are an accurate measure of the time I spent during this period. Here, I touched death. Here, I fight for my life. I was awakened here.
A breeze blew through the window, and the noise of activity outside woke me up. I could hear nurses and patients hurrying along the corridor outside. Their footsteps and the soft whispers of their conversation formed a low background hum that always appeared in the hospital in the early morning. Compared to the silence of last night, this sounded like some sort of routine, a sort of noise to me. I like the silence when I'm awake. Thankfully, I was sheltered from the worst of the noise in the quiet space of my private room.
The doctor soon came to check on my body.
"How are we feeling today, Miss Reggie?”
Silence. This put him in a difficult position. For a moment, we were all very quiet.
"I understand. At least you seemed to have calmed down since last night. Unfortunately, since we didn't have the chance to do so last time, I have to explain your situation to you. If you feel that something is wrong, please feel free to say it.”I had no interest in paying attention to him, but since he seemed to mistake my lack of response for consent, I really didn't have a choice in this matter.
"Then I'll tell you directly: Today was June 14th, 1998. Two years ago, on the 5th of March, you encountered a traffic accident at a pedestrian crossing at night and were knocked down by a car. Then, you were brought to this hospital. Do you still remember what I said?"
I fell silent again. The last thing I can remember is that someone-a classmate, perhaps? -- He stood in the rain without moving. As for the accident, I didn't think of anything.
"Oh, don't worry if you can't remember. When the accident happened, you probably noticed the car and tried to jump away. That's why your body wasn't seriously injured. On the other hand, your head did take a heavy blow. You were unconscious when they brought you here, but you didn't seem to be responding.”This was a form of injury. However, your mental ability may still be recovering from the two years of coma. I'm not sure if your memory will come back, but it looks like it, because last night's eeg didn't detect any abnormalities in your brain activity. No matter what, it was a miracle that you woke up from your coma. It's almost impossible that two years later, you see, this is a very serious problem.”
Even though he emphasized the time I was unconscious, it still didn't mean anything to me. Yesterday was still that rainy night for me, and with it came a great emptiness.
" If you must ask," the doctor continued," your eyes are basically fine. This was only a blunt injury, and it rarely caused permanent damage to the eyes. We were lucky there wasn't anything sharp around last night. In a week or so we'll be able to take off the bandages, and you'll be able to enjoy the beautiful scenery at last.”
This time I detected a hint of reproach in his words. I think he was a little disappointed at my little attempt to destroy my eyes. Last night, he stubbornly asked me why I did it, but I couldn't answer him. They'll think I'm crazy.
"You're locked into physiotherapy classes, one in the morning and the other in the afternoon. As for visiting hours, I'm afraid we'll limit it until your body and mind return to normal. One hour a day. Endure it for a while. Once you're done, you'll leave this place.”
Alright, if that was the case, then he was an emotional destroyer. Early in the morning, I couldn't bear to voice my cynicism. Instead, I tried to test its reaction ability by moving my right hand, and found that there was no change. Trying to start it took a few seconds, and I could feel my joints and muscles tense as I made the tiniest but most painful movements. It felt like this wasn't my hand. I think this is what I hope for after two years of not using it.
"Alright, that's all for this morning. Since you seem to have calmed down, I won't let the nurse look after you all day today. If you need any water, just press the button next to the pillow. The nurses 'station was right below the hall.”The doctor spoke in a gentle, seasoned language that was meant to make the patient relax. If I could have, I might have seen him with a similar smile on his face, and he might have been practicing in the bathroom mirror all night. I heard him begin to open the door, but stopped to say one last thing. "Oh, yes, I almost forgot. From tomorrow onwards, you will have another doctor to check on your language. She's a little close to your age, so try to be less around her... perseverance.... In my opinion, you need professional knowledge.”
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