For me, the memories from my first year of university to the accident were all gone. I could only recall fragments, without the background: I stood at the scene of the murder, my throat dry, staring at the crimson blood.
Another series of images also stood out: The memory of the classroom bathed in the setting sun gave it the same bright red color. It dominated two kinds of memories, destroying Xiang Qingxia's classmates, the people Xiang Qingxia wanted to kill, and the ideals Xiang Qingxia wanted to protect, the last part of her normal life. Ever since I woke up from my coma, no matter how hard I tried, that classmate's name had always been out of my reach.
The hospital had its own rhythm and breathing method. The noise of the morning slowly faded into the almost completely silent night. Occasionally, the echo of slippers in the corridor broke the silence. It was my only reminder that I was still awake. The black shroud that blinded me now only served to highlight how lonely I was, a feeling of complete strangeness that Qingxia had never felt before. She was never alone.
But now that Xiang Qingxia had left, he deeply felt his loss. In fact, the only way I know now that I am me and not him is because I can't feel his presence.
"It might be the worst way to know your identity: Acknowledge yourself because of what you have lost, because of what you are not.”I've tried some good, old-fashioned self-loathing, but it didn't help. I hope I'm just a little sad. This would at least change the empty soul that the Doctor said he had. It was like the shell of an old ship. There was nothing inside that was worthless. If that was the case, what was inside?
I'll…go in.
A whisper came from somewhere in the room. I could feel the air rushing in from the corridor outside, and I could hear the almost inaudible creak of the door opening. I tried to tell myself I was imagining it, but I still turned in the direction of the sound.
A shimmering, almost minuscule white mist. I shouldn't have seen it, but it mocked the words. It was the only thing I could see in the complete darkness. It stood, vaguely like a person, but without bones to support it, somewhere between liquid and gas. It flew towards me, flowing, spreading a smell I was helpless, unable to move my body, so I could only wait.
At least it has a form I can understand. Things without form were truly terrifying. At least, with the shape, your brain can understand it. I don't sense any hostile intent from this spirit, if it is. It was a strange comfort. Because we are so different. Does this non-existent thing want to live with me, the son of a person who doesn't have a sense of reality?
My soul caressed my cheek. My entire body was stiff, as if someone had poured ice water on my spine. It hurts, but I can't move. I can't even scream. I can only witness it with my own eyes. And so we stayed, not moving, from midnight until the sun began to rise. In the early morning, I felt the ice water melt. I was like a dried up slug. When I felt the cold grip relax, I fell into a deep sleep.
/3
It has been several days since I first woke up from my coma, but the doctors think I should be bandaged by now. Compared to the noise I thought was standard hospital policy, the morning was so calm that I was completely immersed in the little tricks of the day. I could hear the birds chirping outside my room and feel the sun shining through them, filling my lungs with fresh air.
Yes, compared to the world I had been in for the past two years, this world was indeed a sight worth seeing. But every morning when I wake up, I think: This world was only happy when people were lonely. The safest way to live was to be alone, but why didn't people think that was enough?
Once upon a time, I had a perfect setup. I don't need anyone. But circumstances make me wait for what I seem to lack, and if the present trend is any indication, I may have to wait forever. But, what am I waiting for, or who?
My conversation with the Speech Therapist and Magician became a daily affair, just like her. In the hospital, there were many tests and treatment courses, which became something worth looking forward to. A welcome respite from the daily cliches. Now, as usual, our conversation returned to my past. As usual, she was sitting in the chair beside my bed and talking without a care in the world.
"Yes, I understand now. So it wasn't that Xiang Qingxia couldn't control his body, but that he didn't have the will to do so. You two are an interesting couple.”
She had a very extensive understanding of my background, some of which I knew were facts only a few people knew. She knew about the curse behind the Ryōgi Dynasty, which was the most well-kept secret of the family. She knew that my involvement in the serial killings that ravaged the city two years ago was limited; I wouldn't know the details, I might have been more secretive, but I'd long since resigned myself to the outcome and consequences, though the crime and perpetrator were still ambiguous, even in my mind. I found that not having to think about it helped to reduce the stress of the thinking environment.
" There's nothing fun about having a dual personality," I interrupted impulsively.
She gritted her teeth in disappointment. "A cute label, but I don't think it's accurate. Both of you exist at the same time, and each of you has your own will: The secret of separation. However, both of you have the same behavior. This was very complicated. The label of " dual personality " was unfair. Something like a " compound independent personality " seemed more suitable.”"Hey, add a 'Republic' at the end. It sounds like a new Balkan-style country.”
"Ah, well, I never said I was good with names. However, I still find it strange. According to you, Xiang Qingxia always sleeps, even though he doesn't need to sleep.”Something that only I can answer. Things had always been like this. Xiang Qingxia had always liked to dream. In his imagination, he would go on an adventure to a certain planet. Xiang Qingxia had never shown any interest in this kind of behavior.
"So, is he still sleeping?”She poked me playfully, but I found that I couldn't answer her. "Then he's really dead, isn't he? He took your place and became the consciousness that died in the accident, and his memories were forgotten. At least it explains the gap in your memory. Without these memories, the knowledge of how you participated in the serial killings two years ago may be lost forever.”
"So I assume the suspect is still at large?”
"Yes, but you know how this city works. We see serial murders on TV and say 'Oh my God' and then go back to dinner. For the past two years, it had become a prank for most people in the city. The others have forgotten." She smiled, doubting how much she had believed her own words. "Xiang Qingxia still confuses me. If he didn't do anything, Xiang Qingxia's consciousness would die. What reason does he have to replace you like he did?”
" To be honest, that's still what I'm thinking," I said hesitantly. "But he's had enough. Did you bring the scissors I asked for?”"I'm sorry, but Ashika and his other subordinates won't allow it. Your eyes have a history, so they don't allow anything sharp.”Well, I can't say I didn't expect anything less. My physiotherapist is doing very well. I can even move my body. They said it was the first time they had seen someone recover so quickly after only receiving two treatments a day. As a celebration, I asked the good doctor for a pair of scissors.
"What are you planning to do with scissors? Flower arrangement on the bedside table?"
"No, I just want to cut my hair, that's all.”Ever since I woke up from my coma, my hair problem has been bothering me. In two years, it had become quite a long time. Every time I move my head, it itches my neck and back, which is perhaps the strongest evidence I have of what an irritating burden long hair is.
"Then, you should say this! If you don't want to talk, I can easily call the hairdresser.”
"Thank you, but no thanks. I can't stand them. I won't take responsibility for what others do to my hair.”"Oh, I know exactly what you mean. We women do need to take care of our hair. You know, I'm really jealous of you. Your hair growing longer seems to be the only sign that you're getting older.”I heard her standing up. "Then! Since I can't give you the scissors, let me leave you something else. Although it's not much, I believe it will be fine. It was a stone with some runes carved on it. Treat it as an amulet. I'll leave it on the door, so it's important that you don't let anyone take it away.”Now I hear her dragging the chair to the door. She must be using the chair to put the runes away. Then, she opened the door. "Well, I think that's it for now. Someone might come tomorrow, so she had to be a good girl before that.”She left, leaving behind only those strange words and runes for me.
Night had fallen, and midnight had passed, but my old guest had not yet appeared.
Undoubtedly, every midnight, hazy souls would descend. Tonight proved to be an exception. Every night, like the first, it always gave me a loving caress, always on my cheek. It was painful and even dangerous, but even if he chose to kill me in the end, I didn't care. This could be a much simpler matter.
In the darkness, I used my fingers to gently wipe the bandages around my eyes. Soon my sight will be restored. However, there was one more thing to do before that: Destroy my eyes; this time, there is no room for error.
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